Note to self

Look at me

i know ur pain

i know what bothers you

the fear thats in you

i feel it too

the feeling is mutual

it seems you are alone

but you AREN'T.

Im always with you

in the darkness

even though it screams within your heart

the sorrow you seem to have known forever

i carry it with you

i too feel your burden

can i make it better

wash it all away

wish it all away?

Im trying to love you...

im trying to know you

I stay with you

listenin to your thoughts

the pain thats inside of you

scars my hands and heart

Do not disown me

i will always be with you

you cannot do this on your own

i have your back... believe me

trust me.

Can i scream your sorrow away

Can i fight it away?

Im trying to defend you

Im trying to protect you

i wont fade away like the others

im with you forever

not even death will part us...

Stop keeping everything inside

Staying in love with your despair

Dont let it keep you in the dark

Pulling you lower down,

making you unable to fly

But you are not alone

i will help you

there are times you will fall

ill be there to pick you up

Believe me

Trust me

I love you

Love lost

Don't you hate
when you love someone
and they dont love you back
the way your heart aches
from the pain inside
but dont you love
when just the mere thought of them
makes you laugh or cry out of joy
it feels like there's no ground beneath your feet
and the world is on your side
No matter how they are in your life
you are happy, just because they're in it

But times like these, i love when the rain fall when i cry
i walk without an umbrella
and hold my head up high facing the sky
so no one can see my tears
falling from my eyes
i place a smile on my face
but nonetheless
i feel the opposite

Straining my heart to be numb

emotionless

it hurts,it bleeds, it needs love
your words wont matter
actions speaks clearer to me
but nothing is forever
not even Love
It dies and the memory is lost
my heart is closed
it has shunned you out
and the thought of you
frightens it
Love may come back
and i will greet it with arms open widely
but my love for you
has left entirely

I like to walk in the rain

So that way
No one knows
Im crying

Coming to a conclusion

If you have been reading my posts and understanding what you know about me, you will know that i have been through many obstacles and difficulties in my life so far and i know the journey is far from over. I realised that i cannot please everyone. Some people only concentrate on the negative that i do and i dont need people judging me. Im just gonna continue my schooling, market myself and do what i have to do to please ME!

Defeated

My heart is torn
and it is broken
it bleeds pain
and it suffers
no one sees it
but i alone feel it
i feel alone
and i cannot cope with myself
my hands shake
my tears drop
i feel so lost
and abandoned
how can someone use that word so freely
and so easily
and how can i let them in soo deeply
5 years seemed like a lifetime
and the pain seems like forever
its like you purposely stole my soul from me
and i can no longer feeel
tears fall as my prayers
and roll down my cheeks
a smile than has deminished
the love as i know it
has gone.
it only took a minute
for me to realise
just because i love you
doesnt mean i need you.

Im smiling AGAIN!

MY WIFE [That is all]

Just Updating...

Soo it seems i havent blogged in a while and this is because i have been working in Trinidad for the best 3 mths. Yes, ive been occupied and it has been good for me. Keeping myself busy is one way of making myself believe i can find happiness. Makes me forget how loneliness can feel...

Update

Hello people
its been a while since i came on here and wrote anything. I can honestly say that i am beginning to find myself and understand myself and how things around me affect me. I always knew the world was cold but now i KNOW that it will never change. I need to stop hoping and wishing and just DO! I would get nothing done if i sat around and depending on people. im just saying!

Quick confession

Damn, where do i begin?
Emotions flooding in...
Didnt care for so long
And im confused why i feel this way
I turned by back on everything i believed
and felt about you
And i cannot believe i never told you
exactly how i felt!
Is it too late!?
If i tell you, would you believe me?
Would you even feel the same way?
I dont know what your feedback can be!
I feel like i already missed my opportunity!
Why cant i get a second chance!?
Please, dont judge me on my past!
Concentrate on my present and see yourself in my future!

My H E A V E N

I wish i can hear a deaf person speak
or see what a blind person sees.
I wanna be humble as a poor person
and wealthy as the rich
everything around me would have a purpose
an impact
positivity onto me
Absorb only good
and dispose of the bad
Have things ive only dreamed of
and wish i had
no pain
sorrow
suffering
drama
only happpiness
my world will be full of love and bliss
Ahh man, oh how i wish for this
day and night
in my prayers!
If i stay in my own little world
i shall feel free
stay in reality
and i will break
i will push myself to the edge
and fall deep within my dark
i will dwell on sorrow
and the evil of this world
but i dont want to
i wish to be free
i want to feel the sand between my toes
the wind travelling through my hair
YES! this is life.
Oh how i long for this serenity
But, this wont ever happen!
Because no one cares
Only when one cares, will there be PEACE!
Until then, i wear this smile on my face
to hide what i feel inside
but i will be strong
and i will go on
as long as i can
Its like hell on earth
but when i close my eyes
i enter my HEAVEN
"Peace & Love" i whisper to myself
Peace and Love.

Did i find it?

After being hurt for so long
being cold
careless
resentless
and emotionless
i know what love is again
i still cant believe
i ignored it for so long
and shun myself from emotions
i was looking for lust
and ended up in rubble!
Blinded by labels and by sexuality
and always ended up with a broken heart
but ive found LOVE
and love found me
i LOVE how it makes me feel
i smile for no reason
i laugh at cheerful memories
Happiness which i never had
is now looking rather visible between
my clouds
i might obtain it
and hold it deep
within my heart
for as long as i can
even if this love
becomes a Memory
Im putting my heart
at risk
but this time around
i dont care!
since the day i received that random
"i love you" text
nothing has been the same
words never meant so much to me
as it did that day
Memories with you
is all i can think of
when my smile
is turn upside down
I havent replied yet
because i am scared...
scared i might go too deep in
but i must face my fear
soo here it is
BABE, I LOVE YOU TOO.

Conversation with my Conscience.

Life?
There's so much more to it
Than clothes , money , cars
Life is full of obstacles and barriers
firewalls and distractions
Sorrow and Hate
Lust and Love
I ask myself
what is my life really about?
what is my purpose here?
am i happy and if im not, why do i bother?
But what if i dont have an answer to that?
And i continue to feel
empty
alone
and like a failure
and nothing seems to go as planned
should i do society a favor
and say Goodbye?
Would people be happy if im gone
Would i even be missed?
Would people who seemed to not care
care the most when im out their lives?
Would i be a memory for a topic in few discussions?
But, then i think to myself
Wouldnt it be selfish if i just left?
Wouldnt i hurt those who actually love me
Because i couldn't live with myself?
I feel trapped in my own thoughts
with no one to set me free...
Tears stream down my eyes,
the inner pain is too much to hide anymore
Everytime i smile, i cherish the moments
I dont know when will be the next time
I shun myself
and turn my head to many people
& Give them a cold shoulder
Im become stubborn
Im arrogant at times
I wish to not care anymore
Maybe then, will i see
Who cares about me...

Eyes

My eyes tell a story
Of Pain and neglect
Look into them
and you look into me
Do not judge me by my actions
or what i might say
my eyes tell a story
it speaks to you.

would you listen
would you understand
it says so much
and people turn a deaf ear
i just want to be heard
and cared for
Maybe catered to or maybe even loved
I cry every night and pray
One day the ice from your heart
will melt away
the barrier across your eyes
will be moved
so you can look into mines
and see what love is
i dont want much
all i want is for you
to feel my presence
Feel me,
My eyes tell a story
Yes, it surely do
Long story short.
It says, I love you♥

I LOVE THIS WOMAN

Songs of the Day

Tokio Hotel -READY SET GO





















Taking Back Sunday - Cute without the E

A smile for a day

Woke up Crying
Hands drenched
I cant understand
why everything saddens me.
why everyone hurt me
i blame myself
i open up
i let them in
but after the pain
is sorrow
after sorrow
is happiness
i do feel its presence
its foreign to me
ill cherish it
as if it was my last moment
alive
im in love with it
and it loves me back
when i smile
i feel like the world smiles with me
oh how i love positivity
the smell of the rain
the warmth of the sun on my skin
the wetness of the grass under my feet
from the morning dew
little things like this
makes me smile
i love life and its secrets
but i am not afraid of dying
but happiness will soon depart
and again, we will drift apart
oh how i long for this feeling again
Please, save me from myself, and come back soon.

Over Everything

So over the lies

tired of looking in the mirrors.

seeing the pain in my eyes

So Over the anguish

the abandonment i feel

so over false promises

and people saying things they don't mean

so over the stories

the fantasies

i'm scared to sleep

i'm scared to dream

i'm so over everyone in the world

i'm tired of this thing

called Reality.

Im hurting Inside

and I wish someone can

share my pain

spiteful things people do to me

to make themselves happy

How long will it last?

And would my sorrow past.

I write this as i'm still breathing

because if i didnt , i would die.

Life seems so vast to me

so empty, so cold

my emotions , i can no longer control.

this spirit opened my concealed heart

entered, and broke it apart.

I leave it as it is, afraid to hurt my self more

Asking myself, when will my pain leave

I thought i was numb, i thought i couldnt feel.

is this make-believe???

This cant be real!

Did i expose myself so openly

and did i really get played as a fool.

Hmph! You win, i lose??

For now maybe, but my time will come

Karma is a bitch

But i still fucks with her.

Now i fall in love

with my sorrow once again

drowning myself deep in my pain

Away from emotions, away from sweet emotions

i no longer want to care

i wish to never care about anything anymore...

i wish i can fly

so i can fly far away from EARTH

from Humanity

From You.

Yes, I did fall in deep and i apologize

But now, i regret everything i ever loved about You.

NUMB.

I love sitting in the dark quietly
where i cant hear no sound of Day
my thoughts are scrambled
can no longer concentrate or pray.
Pray that happiness seeks for me
Instead of my heart searching furiously for it.

I wonder if i really felt emotions for this spirit.
or was it my loneliness looking for a way out of my heart
i try to tell myself that
wishing to believe it soon
but the feelings wont come out
even when i heard it wasnt mutual

i cry on the inside and cut so i can feel alive
no emotions on my face
its like they know to hide
so i wont get hurt by the world
and keep me in my dark place.

i want to scream out loud
but no sound escapes
why do i feel like this?
why so soon?? why right now??
Cant be love?
I refuse to believe it is
but if it isnt, then what is it?
its taking the best of me
i no longer feel pretty
no longer feel beautiful
no longer feel worthy
no longer feel free
i feel like i failed again
Now i just no longer feel.

thoughts...

I love sitting in the dark quietly
where i cant hear no sound of Day
my thoughts are scrambled
can no longer concentrate or pray.

Heartbreak

Happiness
bliss
excitement
things I enjoyed
only because of you
smiled all day
dreamt of wonderful fantasies all night
it's still unbelieveable to me how deep I got in

now I'm alone
cold
depression never left but it definitely was gone for a while
I always try to hold my smile in wen I look into ur eyes
wen we had sex I tried not to cry
not to be sad but because it just felt right
now u jus ripped all emotion out of me
I no longer no how to feel
how to care
how to love
that was the last battle
and my heart has lost the war...
Slowly drowning in darkness till everything is frozen.
There's nothing here anymore
just leave me where you left me.